Diagnosis Crazy

Apparently in this day and age, some doctors still answer their own phones.  I happened to catch one of those doctors this morning.  It was a very specialized radiologist and I wanted him to take a look at some of my prior images and see if he could help or point me in the direction of someone that could help.  Remember, I'm taking charge now since my current doctors have all but thrown up their hands.  So this Doctor is actually willing to see me today and I am lucky enough that his patient doesn't show up so I have time to sit with him in his office.

I'm glad I went because it put to rest one previous test I'd had that turned out to be a dead end thanks to this guy's explanation.  But then he says "I'm sure lots of people have spoken frankly to you" and he kind of hesitates and I said "No, actually, nobody has spoken frankly to me so please, please do."  He says ok, there's two things.  "First, I think you need to see a neurologist."  Ok, good, good, got that on the schedule for Monday.  Had to beg Hope Killer RE for that one.  

Then he leans back in his chair to give me number 2.  I already know what's coming.  "It's all in my head.  Right?"  I had been waiting 7 months for this one.  Frankly, I'm surprised it took so long for someone to outright say it.  I've had it implied before (Second OB-GYN: "you know, pelvic pain can lead to a surgery, go home, sometimes when you know a surgery might happen the pain goes away.").  So Radiologist thinks an equally plausible explanation for my pain is that it is all in my head.  Now, the man has only met me for 5 minutes, hasn't examined me, knows nothing about me but he knows that I've had nearly every test in the book and they haven't turned anything up.  Almost all that's left is crazy.    

What's frustrating and sad is that he was actually the nicest doctor I've seen in the city.  I'd rather get the "maybe you're crazy" diagnosis from someone that's arrogant or cavalier like the rest of them.  Not someone that says "come back anytime if you want to discuss something else."  The man even recommended a psychiatrist that he himself used awhile back.  I'm a woman in pain, on Lupron, and who came in with a small degree of hope.  You accuse me of being crazy (for the second time today - first time was "anxiety") so of course I start crying which only further proves the "crazy" theory.  The more we discuss, the more I cry.  

What's even more frustrating is when I asked him ok, so let's set aside number 2 for a minute and focus on the neurologist.  If the neurologist isn't able to come up with something, who else would you recommend I see or what other tests can you think of that may be helpful.  And that's when he says, "that's when I'd really focus on number 2."  And that's when I focused on leaving the room.

I can't help but feel utter and complete despair.  I don't really care if some random Radiologist thinks I'm crazy. I mean I kind of care but I'm not going to get myself too worked up about it. But he echoed the sentiments I'm starting to hear now: "you've had every test...there's no one else to see..."  So it's all coming down to this neurologist on Monday.  I guess it's him or the looney bin.  

So tonight before bed, just incase, I will say to myself: 

"Are you there Potentially Crazy Brain? It's me, Lupron Girl.  You've had some serious accusations made against you today.  If you're doing this, can you please stop and take me out of all this pain and misery?  I'd really like my life back.  I've got some big plans and if we're not in pain you'll totally enjoy them too - exercising, running errands, babies, trips, anything and everything you, Mr. Crazy Brain can dream up.  If that's not your thing, we can totally negotiate.  You want street drugs and benders, we can talk.  You've got me on my knees.  I've been pretty good to you over the years and I'll really owe you one.  But if it's not you Brain, I'm sorry, I didn't think it was either."